First Steps

Tomorrow my oldest daughter, Jessica, is turning 27. It is hard for me to believe that it has been that long since I first held her in my arms. I will never forget the overwhelming feeling I felt as I looked at her. I was absolutely sure for the first time in my life I had witnessed a miracle. Jessica scored a perfect 10 on her Apgar screening test!! It was clear that I was not the most favored patient in that hospital that day, but when this score was announced, all of the nurses came in to see my perfect, bright-eyed baby girl. I was so proud and amazed!! This is the moment that I first really felt the way God loves me.

In the next few days after spending some time with my daughter, I found myself thanking God. I think at that point in my life, I probably thanked God a few times a year, but it was not a regular practice. I was thanking Him for sending me this beautiful gift from heaven even though I knew that several years ago, I had walked away from Him. I could not believe that He had given me such a beautiful daughter. Grace is getting what you don't deserve.

In my early teenage years, I began to justify what I knew was sin in my life. I said things to myself like; "The bible was for people long ago. We live in a new generation with different rules." Although I still called myself a Christian, I did not depend on God, did not care much about His protective standards and I was convinced that I knew it all --- my way was the best way. When I held Jessica in my arms, I realized that my plans had lead me to a place of sheer terror. I started to comprehend that God had given me the bible to guide my life, not to control me but to protect me from danger.

Although I loved my little girl with all of my heart, I had no idea how I would provide for her and give her security and a home. My plan to marry her father had fallen through and I was left to support her on my own. In my fearful place, I recommitted my life to the Lord and acknowledged that things were happening that I did not plan on and I was not sure how to go forward. I wanted to be a good mother. I knew that I was not prepared for it and I needed God's help. I told God I was sorry for not following Him, and began to see God help me in my life.

Parenting Jessica helped me to comprehend a little bit how God loves me. The love that I had for her was so deep and unconditional. It was protective. It was never-ending. I could not get enough of watching her. I wanted all of the best in life for her. For the first time, I realized that I was willing to lay my life down for someone and this helped me to understand what Jesus had done for me.

So, in those moments when I was watching her, I remember thinking that God is watching me. He is delighting in the things I am doing. He wants the best for me. He loves me no matter what I do. And He had been doing this for all of my life! This was revolutionary in changing my knowledge of God into a relationship with Him.

It took many years for me to completely surrender my life and my plans to the Lord. I made many mistakes in the process and I still make mistakes. But, Jessica was the person that God used in my life to draw my heart back to Him. John 6:44 says; "No one can comes to Me (Jesus) unless the Father who sent Me draws him..." This was the moment that God drew me to Jesus. I wonder if you can remember a moment He was drawing you?

Several years ago, I wrote a poem to my daughter. I think it was for her 14th birthday. I will never forget the last line. It says; "Within the eyes of Jessie, I saw the promised land. And in her smile and laughter, God held me in His hand."